Six Morons and Two Geniuses
by Millenium Roger
Summary: Eight characters from The Winter Knights are interviewed for a talk show. Don't read unless you've already read TWK. It's really just fluff
1. Vilnix Pompolnius

A/N: Okay, don't go looking for any deeper meaning in this story (It's set up like a gameshow). I got my hands on Winter Knights yesterday (one week after publication, no less!) and this story is just the result of my current obsession with those characters that will never overshadow my obsession with Twig's hair (isn't it just the coolest hair EVER!!!! neway). I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had thinking and writing about it. BTDubbs, DON'T read this if you haven't read "The Winter Knights". It gives the whole thing away, so just don't read it b4 TWK. Thassall.

Disclaimer: I don't own Quint, Maris, Stope, or any of the characters. I don't even own Twig's hair (sigh)

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Host: Welcome back to the Wednesday edition of "SIX MORONS AND TWO GENIUSES!" _(que in flashing lights, cheesy music, etc.)_ I'm your host, "HOST!" Today we'll be interviewing some characters from Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell's hit children's series, "THE EDGE CHRONICLES!" Our first guest today is Vilnix Pompolnius, sometimes known as Vil Spatweed. Mr. Pompolnius -- I can call you Pom, right, good -- in this story you prize yourself on your intelligence and cleverness, isn't that right? 

Vilnix: Yes, because I am very clever. But Host, if you wouldn't mind...

Host: Pom, you may be interested in knowing that not everyone shares this opinion of you. Some readers feel that your complete lack of subtelty and the ease with which your crimes were discovered points to a _(dramatic music and sudden dimming of lights)_ severe lack of common sense and intelligence!

Vilnix: What? Who said that! Of course I'm a genius, and as a genius it's my pergatory to cackle and rub my hands together after I fool someone. And who needs to be subtle when you're smart!

Host: First of all, Pom, I believe you meant perogatory, not pergatory. And second of all, subtelty is a key part of intelligence.

Vilnix: What?

Host: As are listening skills.

Vilnix: Face it dude, I'm smart. I'm also very cool, popular, handsome...wait a minute, did you just snort?

Host: Who, me?

Vilnix: Yeah, you! Did you just laugh in the middle of my extensive self-promoting speech?

Host: I would never dream of mocking you. I merely wanted to point out that you are neither popular nor handsome. In fact, most readers skip the hpages with your face on them because your chin is so pointy (it's even creepier than Felix Lodd's) and your hair is so screwed up. And anyway, you don't want friends, you say that they lead to betrayal.

Vilnix: They do. Your point?

Host: Well, how can you be popular and not have friends. If you're always mean to everyone, you won't get friends.

Vilnix: In my world, everyone's my friend!

Host: Ah, well that explains a lot. Your world indeed. Thanks for your time, Pom. _(to the camera)_ We'll be right back after this brief break from our sponsorers. Next, you'll be hearing from another moron named Raffix, or Raff to those who he counts as his friends...

Vilnix: Host, I wanted to tell you...

Host: Sup, Pom?

Vilnix: STOP CALLING ME POM, YOU BLOATED BAG OF BANDERBEAR BARF!

Host: No probs, Pom.

_(fade to caveman commercial, episode 2 (it's the funniest))

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_

A/N: Well, whadja think? I'll try to put up the rest within a month but since i'm typing em on-the-spot and that's not my style i cant promise anything. please leave a review because im very bored right now. ciao ciao! 


	2. Fenviel Vendix

A/N: Alright, next installment begins...now!

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Host: Alright, welcome back to "Six Morons and Two Geniuses: Winter Knights Edition". Our second moron is someone you all know very well...er, some of you might know very well. His name is Fenviel Vendix and he's the Hall Master of the Grey Cloud at the knight's academy in Sanctaphrax. Now, Fenviel, how did you feel when you were expelled from the Knight's Academy? 

Fenviel: Sad!

Host: That's all?

Fenviel: Mad!

Host: Well, I suppose everyone here would feel the same if they were expelled from the place where they had lived for a long time...Mr. Fenviel, how long _did_ you work at the Knight's Academy?

Fenviel: Twenty!

Host: Twenty years? Did you mean years? Well, I assume he meant that he worked at the academy for twenty years. So now Fenviel, would you mind telling us why you didn't just leave Sanctaphrax and go back to the Deepwoods like your esteemed colleague Arboretum Sicklebough?

Fenviel: Yes!

Host: You...you _do_ mind telling us. Um, okay, well then can you at least tell us if you plan on staying at the Knight's Academy? After all they did to you, wouldn't it be easier just to go raise prowlgrins somewhere else?

Fenviel: No!

Host: No to what? Do you mean no to staying at the Knight's Academy or no to raising prowlgrins somewhere else? Mr. Vendix...

Fenviel: _(glares)_

Host: Alright, I think we've wrung all the information out of this man that we're going to. Do you have any last words before we switch to a quick commercial break? No, I didn't think so. Wait, I've just recieved news...this may explain our dilema. It seems that in all 382 pages of Winter Knights, Mr. Vendix only uttered 29 different words. I how it is. Well, Mr. Vendix, thank you for your time. Will we be seeing you again soon? I didn't think so...

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Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell. I just like to bring out their biggest flaws and parade them for the whole world to see. 


	3. Screedius Tollinix

A/N: Well this chapter's taken a while but here it is at last. Also, I have standardized tests next week so I'll have lots of glorious free time :-) Unforunately, track starts next week so the free time will be all eaten up :-( Oh well, I'll find some way to put up more chapters. Also, if you have any ideas for morons (sorry, I already have the two geniuses written b i'm saving em for the end) or people that you really DON'T want to get picked on (no guarantee your wish'll be granted) leave a review or a message. I'm really glad so many people seem to like this story!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters. Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell do.

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Host: Alrighty now, welcome back to everyone's favoritest talk show, "Six Morons and Two Geniuses"! _(wild cheering and lots of applause)_ Now I know that our last guest from "The Winter Knights" wasn't too chatty but now we are joined by one of the noblest characters in the entire book, Screedius Tollinix! 

Screedius: Hello, good citizens of New Jersey. _(A/N: Yes, this show takes place in New Jersey. Possibly the ugliest and most boring place in the US, if not the world. I always imagined the Mire as the empty strip mall on the edge of my town. There's something strangely similar between them. Anyway...)_

Host: So, Mr. Tollinix, can you tell the audience how you felt when you were chosen to go stormchasing?

Screedius: Stormchasing! Ah, tis an honor bestowed only upon the most excellent knights academic. The honor was so great I cannot explain it to those with minds inferior to my own. In addition, the speaking of the experience of stormchasing is forbidden as per the ancient rules of Sanctaphrax established by Benedictius Arnoldius, the fourth Hall Master of the Knight's Academy. Clause 438, Subsection 69, line 4. I follow the rules, sir.

Host: I see...well then can you at least tell us how you felt when you had to leave Phillius Embertinius, your teacher, best friend, and...er...never mind...

Screedius: Oh! Great was my chagrin the day that our ways were parted upon that high floating bench in the great observatory. Yet I wait in joyful anticipation for my glorious return to the magnificent floating city where we shall be reunited in splendor and bliss...

Host: You know he's dead, don't you?

Screedius: Really? Well then I wait in joyful anticipation for the coming of my death and my glorious reunion with my one true love...whoops, that came out wrong...um...next question, Host!

Host: Hah! I knew it! You really are gay. But what made you fall for that old man?

Screedius: Next question...

Host: Huh, in your dreams, I have a crowd to please! Now would you mind telling us all why the only man in the Edge Chronicles who has chest hair is gay...

Screedius: I SAID NEXT QUESTION!!!

_(stunned silence for a few minutes. Then Host clears his throat)_

Host: Right, dude, don't lose your cool next time. It's perfectly okay to be gay, and it gets views... _(Screedius starts turning purple again) _Okay, okay, next question. Can you tell us how you went from the noble knight academic that we grow to, er, love to the creepy, disgusting mire-creature that brutally murders hundreds of innocents and even tries to attack Twig!

Screedius: A quest is a quest forever.

Host: Yes? Anything else?

Screedius: Forever.

Host: Oh, so Sanctaphrax is more important than the lives of hundreds of innocent travelers?

Screedius: _(sniffing delicately)_ The buildup of saltmist particles indicates to me that you are being sarcastic. I would be able to taste the humor but, as usual Host, it is quite tasteless. Please desist.

Host: Of course your lordship, sorry if my jokes aren't zesty enough. Alright, I think that's all the time we have right now. We'll be back with the next guest in a few minutes, right after this message from our sponsors.

_(flash to hilarious commercial with the employees fighting over the promotion. If you haven't seen it, look it up on the website I can't type that has all the funny videos on it. It starts with a you and ends with a tube.)_


	4. Hax Vostillix

A/N: Sooo sorry its taken me this long to update, track practice has started for real and i've been so tired lately... Anyway, another big thanx to all the people who reviewed, its so motivating! This next chapter is dedicated to you! Oh, btw, there's some Martha Stewart-bashing in this chapter so if you love her (I personally don't see how you can but to each his own), don't read it.

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Host: Alright, folks, we're back for our next interview from a Winter Knights character. Now, we know that its not always easy to communicate with the dead, but we really wanted to interview Hax Vostillix, so we brought in none other then our very own...Martha Stewart!!! Yes, not only does she cook, clean, and manipulate the stock market, now she can also communicate with the dead!!! Lets give her a big round of applause, folks. _(sporadic (SAT word of the day) clapping)_

Martha: Thank you, thank you, its a pleasure to be here.

Host: Alright Martha, you know the drill. I'll address my questions to Hax Vostillix and you'll give me his answer. First of all, how did you, Hax Vostillix, become the High Hall Master?

Martha: He says: "the same way as everyone else. I lied, cheated, stole, and murdered indiscriminantly."

Host: Any special talents you needed to succeed?

Martha: "Just the ability to detect your enemies and kill them early on..." Hey, I'm starting to like this guy!

Host: Ha ha ha, um i think... Anyway, Hax, how can you justify sending all those knights academic storm-chasing when you knew no more Great Storms were coming.

Martha: "I believed in the sourmist particles and in the youth and vigour of the young knights. If the sky says Sanctaphrax can be saved and we have the manpower to save her, who are we to defy their mandate?"

Host: So what your saying is that saving Sanctaphrax justifies murdering its best and brightest?

Martha: "You clearly did not listen to my answer. I said...never mind what I said, you understand me! Why must you people always manipulate my words!" Wow, he really sounded mad there. Better watch your questions, Host.

Host: Yes, well I only have a few left. Okay Hax, how do you really feel about Earth Scholars?

Martha: "Earth scholars? What earth... oh, EARTH scholars! Ha, what a joke. I made those up so that the people wouldn't kill me! There haven't been earth scholars on Sanctaphrax for years."

Host: Yes, well we knew that. And a lot of good it did you. By the way, how did you fall for that poison egg assassination? I thought that most people knew that when everybody hates you, it isn't a good idea to eat random candy you find laying on the desk. I mean, isn't that what Halloween is for?

Martha: "Well, anyone can make that mistake. And I don't appreciate your attitude. I spent more years in school than your family put together!"

Host: Ouch! Well, at least a man with a tenth-grade education wouldn't fall for the oldest trick in the book!

Martha: "The truth is..."

Host: You can't handle the truth! _(A/N: bows before "A Few Good Men")_

Martha: Hax? Mr. Vostillix? Sorry, Host, looks like he hung up.

Host: Hmm, that old fart couldn't admit he was wrong. Well, since Martha can't seem to make a connection, looks like we'll be taking a commercial break. What's that, Martha? No you may NOT endorse your products on this show! Oh, go back to your house arrest you hussy...

_(quickly pans to Skittles singing rabbit commercial. That one's on YOU TUBE dot COM as well, check it out!)_


	5. Raffix Emilius

A/N: Wow, all these good reviews are making my ego swell! Any more words of praise and I'll turn into a monster. While we're waiting for that to happen, here's that next chapter of my story. I hope you enjoy it. It's actually the second version bc the first one got deleted by me by accident. I deleted the second one because it was really bad. The first two were about Phin but I lost inspiration so now it's about...you'll just have to read and see.

Disclaimer: Wow, I haven't done one of these in ages! Raff belongs to Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell, Host belongs to me and Lufwood blongs to Katherine Burnette

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Host: Here we are again with another exciting guest star from Paul Stewart and Chris Ridell's smash hit, "The Winter Knights". You may not know this character - he didn't do much in the actual series - but he agreed to do a free interview for us so, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Raffix Emilius!!!

Raff: Hello, old chaps!

Host: Er...hi. So Raffix, what's the inside scoop on the Winter Knights?

Raffix: Scoop? Ah yes, well we're all good friends, quite dear to each other. I say, you wouldn't happen to have some tea and crimpets. I've a small hunger.

Host: No. We don't serve British food. This is America for God's sake! But about the Winter Knights...are there any love triangles? Fighting between couples?

Raffix: Not to my knowledge.

Host: Fine, be that way. Alright, what is your relationship with the fictional character Lufwood Verginix?

Raffix: Oh yes, I _do_ enjoy getting drunk.

Host: No, I asked about Lufwod. Your girlfriend?

Raffix: Of course. And I said that I enjoyed going to the pub.

Host: But doesn't she mean something more to you than getting drunk together? What about a common bond, a spirit of friendship.

Raffix: Hm. Now that you mention it, she's rather good in bed.

Host: Woah, way too much information. Alright, moving along. How would you feel if Vilnix Pompolnius became Most High Academe?

Raffix: Crikey, I'd be gobsmacked! Absolutely flabbergasted. That wanker should never even have been permitted in Sanctaphrax.

Host: I see. Looks like we have time for one more question. This time, though, one of our spectators sent us in a question. Jack Shepherd from somewhere in the Pacific says... um, not that one. We have young listeners, you know. Stuart Little from New York, New York wants to know if...ooh, that's not a good one either. Although his drawings of human anatomy are pretty good for a mouse. No... no... no...Aha! Mary Littlelamb from Appalachia wants to know when is the best time to take a shower.

Raffix: Um...well I usually shower in the morning...

Host: Thank-you! Thank-you that'll be all. Well, folks, I hope you've learned a lot from our dear friend Raffix Emilius!

Raffix: Toodle-oo, chaps!

Host: Er, thanks, I think. One thing I'm sure you've learned are some stereotypical Briticisms, some of them taken directly from the book itself. Strange though, there's no Britain in Edgeland... But remember 'em, people, you'll need to know how to find a toilet when you're in London. Of course, I'm not sure anyone actually says those things but it's better to be safe than sorry. Anyway, we'll be right back after this commercial from our sponsorer. _(aside)_ Harry, remind me never to accept fan questions again. That last one was awful, even after I censored it. People today, I tell you!

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The author would like to apologize to any British people who were offended by the stereotypes in this fic. No chickens were harmed in its writing.


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